Fantasy Rugby – Bearded XV

Thanks for the response to the cartoon characters, some strong competition in that squad. I forgot to mention that efforts were made not to include more than one character from each cartoon, hence why there was only one Thundercat.

Onto a more seasonal theme this time – the Bearded XV – a very strong outfit, and one that will no doubt spark some more debate.

Bearded XV

1. David Bellamy – Comfortable in the dark and animalistic underworld of the Front Row.

2. Brian Blessed – Booming voice would ensure line-out calls were never missed. Ferocious competitor with cracking chat in the bar afterwards.

3. S. Claus – That’s right, Santa puts the Christmas cheer away and knuckles down at tight-head. Would have to discover a nasty streak not seen before but a steady diet of mince pies and sherry should give him the necessary ballast.

4. W.G. Grace – As a cricketer should have a safe pair of hands at the line-out.

5. Ned Kelly – Every team needs a lock who is not afraid to push the rules a little and Ned more than fulfils this role. Tough and nasty, Ned brings the ‘dog’ to the pack that commentators always bang on about.

6. Osama Bin Laden – Organised and deadly. Has been likened to Richard Hill at his peak in his ability to go unnoticed through a game.

7. Russell Crowe (as Maximus Decimus Meridius) – Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, The Gladiator brings a lot of intensity to the open-side. Not much fun though.

8. King Leonidas (300 guy) – Superb physical specimen with an incredible backs-to-the-walls attitude. Completes a formidable back-row. Takes his knocks well.

9. Jesus Christ – Mercurial talent although sometimes a bit soft on the opposition. Part of a solid Father/Son half-back combination.

10. God (c) – Literally nothing he can’t do. Has the unfair advantage of being able to control the conditions as well.

11. Merlin – Part of a magical back three

12. & 13. Z.Z. Top – I didn’t have the heart to split them up. Enjoy a good singing session after the game. Comedy value simply for the way they look.

14. Gandalf – Would be hampered by the banning of large sticks in the field of play still a valued member of the team.

15. Albus Dumbledore – Prodigious skill and knowledge. Never intimidated by the opposition and a good tutor for the younger players in the squad.

Charles Darwin was a strong shout for 8 but there were concerns about team spirit with him alongside Jesus and God. The Holy Spirit was also a contender to complete the Holy Trio in the backline (at 13), but I thought that might be taking things a bit far.

By Kemlo Longstaff

9 thoughts on “Fantasy Rugby – Bearded XV

  1. Its a strong team, but for all the magic on offer I fear there is a lack of aggression – I propose Chuck Norris at inside centre and how can you overlook the ultimate bearded monster Sebastian Seabass Chabal who must at least feature as an impact sub surely?!

  2. Didnt Dumbledore get ‘subbed’ between the first two movies? Surely this irregularity in who Dumbledore actually is would have been picked up the the FRFU (Fantasy RFU) upon player registration. I think Chuck Norris would slot in easily into fullback – his unnatural ability to defend himself (and therefore, his tryline), his Montgomery like un-flappable nature and his mecurial right roundhouse would ensure territorial dominance from kick returns inside his 22m.

  3. Kemlo Longstaff once failed to pick Chuck Norris in his Bearded 15. He was found dead shortly afterwards from roundhouse-kick related injuries.

  4. Surely given that Osama is between 6’4 and 6’6 he should slide into the second row alongside Kelly.
    How about the devil in there at 6. Although that wouldn’t work out if Norris gets the nod at 15.
    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil in return for his good looks and martial arts ability, he then roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back

  5. Chuck Norris was a massive oversight on my part. There can be no apology. The Devil was contemplated but as with Darwin, team spirit could be severely affected, particularly given the half-backs.

  6. I know he wouldn’t be much use but I would really like to see Monty Panesar on a rugby pitch. His high-knee, galloping running style would be hard to stop although his abject inability to catch could prove a stumbling point – although it doesn’t appear to have held back Sean Lamont.

  7. as a member of the selection committe for this team, i can only re-itterate my collegues comments and selection. Chuck Norris failed to make the grade as he was considered too much of a lone wolf for a starting berth and we wanted a team ethos for initial stability. hence darwins beliefs on slectin of the fittest disagreed with gods divine will!

    chuck would come on second half at 12 for one of the tops!

  8. Blistering Barnacles! You missed out Tin Tin’s buddy, Captain Haddock. Excellent at recovering from a knocks to the head (normally sees stars once an episode), and a well built chap. Downsides are his propensity to pull out the fisty cuffs and questions about his fitness from all that pipe smoking. Could maybe use him as a back-up to one of the ZZ-Tops in the centres.

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