Fantasy Rugby – Cartoon Characters XV

Kemlo Longstaff begins a new series of fantasy rugby teams likely to be the subject of much debate.  Have your say by leaving a comment at the bottom.

Whilst not a new concept, I fully embraced Fantasy XVs whilst on a stag do this summer touring round Europe. They helped to pass hangovers and were the subject of much animated discussion and full-blown arguments.

Honourable mentions must go to Joe Clapson (particularly on this XV) and Neil Chivers, but anyone who was on the Big Yellow Bus made a contribution of sorts.

This one was a popular choice and was one of the stronger XVs created. That said I think improvements can be made, particularly at 5 and possibly 15. Suggestions are more than welcome!

Cartoon Characters XV

1. Nanny (Count Duckula) – Not the most intelligent but powerful. Good West Country accent and a solid Cider drinker in the bar afterwards.

2. Donkey (Shrek) – More banter than Mark Regan and a good strike in the scrum.

3. Mr. Tickle – Just edges out the obvious candidate Mr. Strong. Long arms would have the opposition loose-head in all sorts of trouble with tight binds.

4. Inspector Gadget – A modern day versatile second row, the go-gadget arms and legs would be useful come line-out time. Would need Penny on the touch-line to oversee his game, however.

5. Denver (the last dinosaur) – Heavyweight, adding ballast to the pack.

6. Desperate Dan – Option as an extra line-out jumper and a physical presence at blind-side.

7. Taz (the Tasmanian Devil) – Mental, with an incredible and tireless work-rate around the field. An animal come the drinking games in the bar afterwards.

8. He-Man – You know it (CAPTAIN)

9. Popeye – Diminutive but strong in a Byron Kelleher way (providing spinach is provided pre-game), Not afraid to mix it up.

10. Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) – Brains and an athlete, and no need for body armour

11. Roadrunner – Outrageous gas and a talent for winding up opposition wingers, particularly if they go by the name of Wile E. Coyote. Not the best handling skills though.

12. Lion-o (Thundercats) – Vision, speed and a fearless leader, forms a powerful centre partnership with Bravestarr.

13. Marshall Bravestarr – Lets just look at his basic skills: a) Eyes of the Hawk – All seeing approach to the game b) Ears of the Wolf – Could pick out all opposition calls and team-talks c) Strength of the Bear – Amazing in contact d) Speed of the Puma – Useful on an outside break. The thought of Bravestarr running a switch off Lion-o is mouth-watering.

14. Speedy Gonzales – Gives up a lot of kilos but a deadly finisher.

15. Tigger – Risky, but exuberant choice for full-back. Has a deadly, springing step akin to the Fijian winger Vilimoni Delasu.


HeMan – big guns and captain of the Cartoon XV

19 thoughts on “Fantasy Rugby – Cartoon Characters XV

  1. Surely a case can be made for moving Desperate Dan into the second row and replacing him at blindside with Captain Caveman? With the amount of surprises he can pull out of his furry coat I’m sure he’d win plenty of turnover ball?

    Surely Billy Whizz has to feature at 15 or in one of the wing positions? Finally, given his likeness to a well known England centre, could you not find a place for ‘Shaggy’ somewhere (although i do accept your centre partnership does look very good on paper)?

  2. Taz would be sensational at 7. Excellent shout. If we’re talking likenesses between rugby players and cartoon characters then Ian Balshaw reminds me of Snarf from Thundercats with his tendency to whimper and hide in cowardice when anything/anyone remotely tough comes near him.

    I’d have thought the giraffe from Madagascar would get a look in in the row, although not quite sure how he’d catch the ball. Baron Greenback may be able to give you a powerful 30 mins in the front row but not sure his fitness would hold up. Postman Pat could do a job at scrum half with his reliable delivery as well. And Obelix would be the ultimate impact sub.

    Finally, I propose Splinter as manager and April O’Neil as physio with Jasmine from Aladdin on massages.

  3. I tried to start coming up with cartoon rugby players but Stuart’s last comment has made me unable to think of anything but hot additions to the massage team.

    I think Lara Croft would be in anyone’s pitchside team but i also can’t get Cheetara, Lois Griffin or Jessica Rabbit out of my head. The fact that two of them are non-human is very worrying indeed.

  4. Actually, here’s a proper one: Incredible Hulk at tighthead. You’d have to make him very angry in the pre-match team-talk. Thinking about it rationally (as we must) he’d be yellow-carded in the first 5 minutes so he’s out.

  5. Well if you want a bit of ballast in the front row I reckon Eric Cartman from South Park is a better long-term bet than Greenback, being a good few years younger.

    How about Jessica Rabbit as cheerleader, and Secret Squirrel to crack the opposition line-out codes? This is even better than Woodward’s “Boxers XV” and the players’ “Animal XV” as described in the Sweet Chariot DVD from 2003!

  6. Not happy with the tight head choice think the Warner Bros Chicken would provide a more aggressive edge to the front row

  7. I’m keen to get Willow the Wisp involved, would be nigh on impossible to tackle, and would be excellent at narrating banterous stories in the bar afterwards.

  8. I accept that Billy Whizz, Captain Caveman and The Thing all have strong shouts but I’m afraid that the centre partnership is pretty much non-negotiable. As for Postman Pat, I think Popeye would come out on top in training purely by intimidation. Obelix is a great idea as sub in the Ollie Le Roux mode.

  9. Surely Obelix would be tricky to get past international doping tests, bearing in mind he was dropped in “potion” as a kid. Ideally we’d get the whole team on the stuff.

    I’m also slightly worried about Roadrunner’s lack bulk, get him squatting down the gym or he is in danger of being snapped in half. I’m also not sure he has hands to catch with, and his “meep meep” beak is too small to catch the ball in.

  10. I don’t think magic potion is on WADA’s list of banned substances.
    Obelix actually played a game of rugby in one of the Asterix books and was sensational. He then drank 4 barrels of wine and passed out so with those credentials it would be folly not to include him.

    Would quite like to see Johnny Bravo get a run out but think he may have a bit of a Gavin Henson style football mentality.

  11. Continuing the Thundercats theme, I personally would find a role for Panthro in the side. The ‘man’ was a physical demon but also a cunning strategist and his nunchaku could settle any lingering disputes.

    I could also see Tygra as an impact sub in the centre.

  12. Very impressive, I thought Optimus prime would have a shout at second row. Also, surely Bananman can fit in there somewhere.
    Sadly like popeye he also has specific dietary requirements

  13. I think just having He-man would win the game….. “I HAVE THE POWER!!!”. I would of put Optimus Prime in the second row as well. I’m thinking maybe some sort of pokemon like Onix maybe in second row as well. And you have to have Sonic the Hedgehog on one of the wings, surely? I mean, he may be a game character but there was cartoons. That being said, there was also Mario cartoons so Bowser could be front row?

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