RugbyLeaks: Brendan Venter’s appraisal meeting

RugbyLeaksFollowing the odd post-match interview by Brendan Venter at the weekend (watch it before reading this), and the surprising news that he’s leaving Saracens, we can exclusively reveal in our new feature, RugbyLeaks, the transcript of his performance appraisal meeting with the chief executive Edward Griffiths that ended in his ‘resignation’ a couple of weeks ago*.

EG: Thanks for coming in Brendan. I just want to discuss how things are going, how you are performing personally, and how we can take the club forward into 2011. So how are you feeling about things at Saracens?

BV: Oh disappointed. Very disappointed. Very disappointed.

EG: Really? But things aren’t too bad. We’re in the top four in the Aviva Premiership and whilst our Heineken Cup campaign hasn’t gone well, we’re in a tough group and it was always going to be difficult. A victory would have been nice, but it’s all useful experience for the squad. Why are you so disappointed?

BV: I’ll have to think about it. Think about it deeply. It’s important to win. It is important to win, we must try harder.

EG: Er, ok. Let’s start with the positives though. So what are you happy with in the current setup?

BV: Everything. Everything. Very good. Very happy with my team.

EG: You’re being a bit weird. You do know this is an internal performance appraisal, and whilst you won’t get fined for anything stupid you say, you might get fired?

BV: But I’m auditioning for P Divvy’s job as Springbok coach, so I have to stay in character.

EG: What? So is that what you’d rather be doing?

BV: I thought you knew that – isn’t it obvious? I’ve assembled a squad full of South Africans here in Watford, some people love me, some people loathe me, we were beating everyone at one stage and now we’re not quite as good, and I regularly say stupid things in the media and cause a bit of a furore. I’m not a Doctor for nothing you know – it’s all part of the masterplan.

EG: So where does that leave us at Saracens? Frankly, I’d rather have someone that was committed to the club and a Director of Rugby that didn’t get us fined quite so much.

BV: The masterplan was for England to beat South Africa last month so that de Villiers was sacked, and then I could leave here and take over there. Unfortunately, the English scuppered my plans as usual, so it looks like I’ll have to wait until after the World Cup.

EG: If that’s your sense of commitment, I’d rather you left now to be honest. I find that when people don’t want to be here, you start to see a lack of effort.

BV: Lack of effort. Lack of effort. No I can’t think it’s a lack of effort.

EG: Brendan, with regret, you’re fired.

*Completely fictional and cybergeek online attacks should not be necessary.