The Oscar Pistorius Award for getting off lightly
Pascal Papé may well have received a 10 week ban for his piece of ill-thought out thuggery on Jamie Heaslip, which left the Ireland back-rower with broken vertebrae, but it could and should have been longer. His apology on Twitter was about as genuine as Wayne Rooney’s hair.
The Jeremy Clarkson award for unnecessary thuggery
What a year this is for Pascal Papé! He returns to stage to collect the Jeremy Clarkson award for the very same incident. His international rugby career might be over but he needn’t worry, I’m sure Tony Hall will be on the blower soon – Richard Hammond and James May need another lumbering oaf to follow around, after all.
The Rose-C**ted glasses award for dropping an absolute clanger
John Inverdale’s hilarious brain fart live on air during the Cheltenham festival (seriously, how does rose-tinted become rose-c**ted?!) was a moment of monumental stupidity – a man getting the most basic element of his job spectacularly wrong. In that regard, James Haskell’s slamming into the post rather than, you know, putting the ball over the line, was on a par.
Video credit: Jon Harvey
The National Accident Helpline award for a successful whiplash claim
When runaway train that is Courtney Lawes slammed into him at Twickenham, Jules Plisson’s body was almost completely detached from his head. Whatever your thoughts on the legality of the tackle, kudos to Jules for continuing to play. If he’s not called the National Accident Helpline to claim for whiplash yet, he certainly should.
The Randle Patrick McMurphy award for being completely and utterly off your rocker
You’re 20 points down, the clock’s in the red in the final game of the competition, you’ve absolutely nothing left to play for and you’ve just won a penalty on your own five metre line – what do you do? Most would use their common sense and kick the ball out. Common sense is rarer in French rugby than unbiased opinions are in the BBC commentary box. They tapped it and ran. Pourquoi pas?
The “Is anyone still watching this rubbish” Award, sponsored by The Voice
If you made it through to the end of the Italy vs France game, then you’re barmier than the nutters that still watch talent shows.
The Stephen Donald “Zero to Hero” award
Wayne Barnes used to evoke a particular brand of hatred within Wales, but after his refereeing display of the Wales vs Ireland game some fans seem to have developed a remarkably short memory. He is now hailed as the best ref around (apart from our Nige, of course). Never comfortable without a particular nation’s dislike directed at him, Barnes is now public enemy number one in Ireland – Thierry Henry, eat your heart out.
The OJ Simpson award for pleading innocence to no avail
#Finnocent – need we say any more?
The Donald Russell award for first class butchery
Noa Nakaitaci was within a blade of grass of winning this one hands down, but the TMO decided to be nice to him. Instead it goes to Luther Burrell for failing to convert a two on one in the opening minutes of England’s game with Scotland. In fact, the whole England team can have it for their collective butchery that day. What’s the collective noun for butchers?
The Zayn Malik Award for acrimonious break-ups
The Adam Jones and Wales saga has rumbled on this Six Nations – “I’ll only come back if they call me”, “We’re not calling him, he has to call us… but what if he finds someone better? Does he still love us?” More emotional twists and turns than an episode of Hollyoaks (I’m told). If there’s one thing that Wales rugby fans and Directioners have in common (and I sincerely doubt there is more than one), it’s the sense of loss and despair they’re feeling right now.
Got any comedy awards of your own? Leave them in the comments section below!
By Jamie Hosie
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @jhosie43
Photo by: Patrick Khachfe / Onside Images
18 replies on “Six Nations 2015: The Alternative Awards”
I’ve just heard the Inverdale slip for the first time. He made me spit soup all over my keyboard. What a tint.
The award for unrealistic expecations goes to
SRU for thinking that they could win the six nations and the world cup before proceeding to lose every game with an overall points difference of -55
Honerable mention to Ian Riche for deeming it unacceptable that England finished 2nd again
The rapier award for best riposte goes to…
Nigel Owens for his disciplinary parent routine with Chris Robshaw and Mike Brown
CR: Blah blah blah
NO: Christopher!
NO: Blah Blah Blah
MB: Yes sir, sorry sir, yes sir, yes sir, sorry sir, three bags full sir
I loved that, even Christopher said “Sorry, Sir” as he walked off.
Everything about that game was just gleaming with sheer entertainment.
The Jon Culshaw award for best impression of a famous figure goes to…
Richard Hibbard for his excellent impersonation of Braveheart vs England
The Sione Lauaki award for worst performance by an individual goes to Goeff Cross against Ireland, penalties galore, no impact, and a yellow card.
The next Steve Walsh auditions reward goes to Sean O’Brien against Wales:
“He’s off his feet, Sir”
“It’s a maul, Sir”
“He’s holding on, Sir”
“Ball is out, Sir”
“He’s not rolling away, Sir”
No wonder Barnes pinged them off the park.
Check out the hilarious reaction of an Irish fan in the closing minute of the England v France game https://youtu.be/3kU5axkldd0
And the “Turns out he was rubbish after all Award” goes to…
Jonny May. Unbelievable turn of pace, more like unbelievable waste of space.
For the Randle Patrick McMurphy award, surely you could argue that because the French had absolutely nothing to play for and nothing to lose, then why not go for it and try to score a length of the field wonder try, it’s not like they’ve got another game next weekend to worry about!!!! Where’s the sense of fun and enjoyment of playing the game in just hoofing it out, go for it and see what happens!!!
Exactly! Ireland fans threw a tantrum about it but it’s hardly like France were playing to secure Ireland’s championship.
I suspect they’d still prefer to see Ireland win than England though – Harinordoquy once said he’d be fine losing to all other nations providing the French beat England. So they’d take anyone else as winners of the title imo. I reckon the move was more to show their disbelieving fans that they can still be the run-it-from-anywhere team they once were.
Regarding Wan+er Barnes, the original inhabitants of these islands still hate…… make that loathe the guy for all the previous times he robbed Wales with dodgy and even blatantly biased decisions.
He will do this to Wales in the future.
We have not seen the last of this Arschloch rest assured of that.
His 2 ‘pro-Wales’ decisions at the end of the game as Ireland almost scored were to ensure England had a chance to win the 6n title this year.
That is as obvious as the puff of smoke on the grassy Gnoll….
The “Better Together campaign” award goes to the Prophet Enoch!
The Louis Suarez award for unashamed xenophobia goes to ‘Prophet Enoch’!
The Chariots of Fire award for Vincent Debaty’s support line…
Loudest cheer last week in the Valley pub I was for England failing to get the points margin v France- I suppose the entire pub clientele was Xenophobic????
No,,,,,, they just don’t like the English rugby team and all the team represents.
The Nigel Owens award for naff referying goes to….Nigel Owens….minutes to go, feet to go, and our Nige decides that taking down a moving maul is a legimate defensive play…..cost England the championship…
The Wayne Barnes award for wan*y referying goes to…Wayne Barnes….see above…cost Ireland the slam…….
And finally another one for Enoch. A variation on the Inverdale award brings forth the red rose c**ts award, for the most vapid Poster, more Powell than Prophet, but incredibly reassuring to English fans. Only arrogant confidence can inspire such vitriol, qualities essential, and possessed in abundance by the SH heavies, to reach WC finals and indeed win them. An all NH final would be sea changing, but I fear, once again that there’s only one NH team capable, I really hope to be proven wrong…..