Following the tedious, disappointing and lacklustre performance by the national football side on Tuesday, we thought we might see if their skills could be better used for our oval ball game. John White and Nick Heath thought this is how they could line up:
1. Emile Heskey – a massive donkey that belongs nowhere else but the front row. Would be dragged out of retirement as his international goal scoring rate fits in well with the try scoring expectation of a modern day loose head
2. Wayne Rooney – Hooker. Bulldog spirit, piercing stare – oh who are we kidding, we just saw the word Hooker, pffffft.
3. Titus Bramble – The big boned centre half has been a rock in central defence for Wigan, and will look to do the same for his new club Sunderland – and everyone knows that the tight head is the rock in every rugby team.
4. Peter Crouch – at 17 foot tall, Crouchy will be a real weapon in the line out, with the lifters having no issues gripping onto his spindly legs.
5. Rio Ferdinand – a stalwart who likes to get stuck in. Rio will hit every ruck and his height provides a nice option at 4 in the line out. Might have problems with 80 minutes though.
6. John Terry – solid and dependable in defence, but can also come out and attack with vigour. Has a tendency to speak out to refs, which will need to be nipped in the bud.
7. Michael Dawson – strong, big lad with a strong Yorkshire temperament. Quick enough to be first at the rucks to clear out.
8. Frank Lampard – solid, dependable, and weighs a lot. Sorry, weighs in with some crucial points. Gets around the park and has the nous to play link man between backs and forwards.
9. Jermaine Defoe – sharp, small and quick of pace and will make the most of even a sniff of an opportunity.
10. David Beckham – his range of passing and grit in the tackle flag him as Wilko-esque, let alone his precision with the boot when aiming at the sticks.
11. Theo Walcott – pace pace pace. If he can get Arsene to stop holding his hand, he’ll be a flyer.
12. Adam Johnson – prepared to run at a man but also good on the pass/offload.
13. Steven Gerrard (C) – Tindall-esque square shouldered centre, leads by example. More scars on his knees than Tinds has on his face.
14. Shaun Wright-Phillips – a pacey attacking threat who loves running at defences, key for the counter-attack but would need quick support in contact as only about 7 stone.
15. Joe Hart – beats David James to this role by being younger so hopefully pacier. Good under the ball and a solid custodian at the back. Doesn’t panic when one on one with attackers. Real name ‘Charles Joseph John Hart’ – rugby through and through.
Also rans: Joe Cole – loves taking people on but possibly not big enough to figure; Gareth Barry – could be too outspoken for Johnno and is a bit hit or miss; Darren Bent. Yep.
Who would you pick? Any other international football sides you think could give these guys a run for their money? Leave your comments below!
Check out the other articles in our Fantasy XVs series – there are plenty more!