Five things you won’t see this rugby season


There have been many predictions flying around about what’s going to happen this season, but what about things we definitely won’t see? Here’s a selection of things unlikely to take place over the new season.

*WARNING: this article may not be entirely serious*

1. The scrum causes no controversy whatsoever

Against all odds, the new scrum laws cause no consternation at all. Everyone is happy, from hookers, to pundits, to viewers – even Richard Cockerill is appeased (can you imagine?). We see a fair contest, with no cheating and no swathes of match time wasted or endless collapsed scrums. Referees are lauded for their interpretation of the new laws, and, most shockingly of all, scrum-halves everywhere discover previously-unknown abilities to roll the ball two feet in a straight line. With nothing left to moan about, Brian Moore quits rugby and becomes a monk.

Probable reality: Confusion reigns for the first couple of months, before everyone settles down and accepts the new laws. Brian Moore is still unhappy.

2. Gavin Henson storms back into Wales squad

Henson gets his head down at new club Bath, shoots ahead of Heathcote and Ford in the fly-half pecking order and, after an international recall, orchestrates Wales to another Grand Slam. There are no off-field issues to talk about.

Probably reality: Henson gets frustrated by playing for Bath United in front of 100 fans on rainy Friday nights and leaves the club by mutual consent before Christmas.

3. Home nation fans embrace each other in a fit of post-Lions spirit

After the euphoria of Australia all pettiness and bragging is forgotten, as English, Welsh, Scottish and Irish fans band together, complimenting each other on the brilliance of their respective players. Whoever wins the Six Nations is lauded by everyone, and it definitely won’t have had anything to with the referee.

Probable reality: Either England or Wales scalp one of the big Southern Hemisphere nations in the Autumn, proclaim to be the best in the hemisphere, before losing to the other team in the Six Nations, seeing the roles reversed.

4. The Heineken Cup issue is resolved

Representatives from Premier Rugby, LNR, ERC, FFR and the Celtic nations can bear to spend more than five minutes in the same room together without spontaneously combusting with rage. A decision is made that suits all parties. The rugby is focussed on, rather than the money.

Probable reality: Everyone continues to play hardball, and it takes another two seasons without a European competition for everyone to realise just how special a tournament the Heineken Cup is before it is reformed.

5. Richard Cockerill does not berate a single official all season long

After becoming a Buddhist, Cockerill finds his zen and realises that there’s more to life than shouting at referees. Officials everywhere breathe a collective sigh of relief. With nothing left to do, Ed Morrison retires.

Probable reality: In his first game back, Cockers literally bites the head off a fourth official and spends the rest of the season in the stands silently stewing.

What do you think definitely won’t happen this season?

By Jamie Hosie
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @jhosie43

Photo by: Patrick Khachfe / Onside Images

17 thoughts on “Five things you won’t see this rugby season

  1. Austin Healey talks sense.

    BT sport doesn’t do a Setanta.

    Dozens of articles are not written about the death of Welsh rugby (all while Wales go on to win the 6N again).

    Replies to my comments do not include the words/phrases “biased”, “one eyed”, “you always think you’re right” or “Taffy”.

      1. :-)

        Slight correction though, I never “think” I’m right really. I always *know* I’m right. It’s objective, not subjective.

  2. People won’t harp on about finding a ‘true openside’.

    Stuart Barnes won’t use the word ‘cynical’ all season long.

    Steve Walsh won’t be a terrible referee…..

    1. Fortunately, we’ll be hearing less from Stuart Barnes as he won’t be covering the Premiership anymore. He also largely seems to only use it when Leicester/Northampton pull off a move that Wasps/Quins/Sarries performed earlier under the description ‘sublime’. I’m so glad to be hearing less from him this season.

      6. England continue to be amazing and beat everyone twice over and everyone lauds how amazing a coach Stuart Lancaster is

      probable – After losing a couple of games in a row, people get knives out and ask for the coach’s head and compare it to the sad days in the 90’s

  3. I will be correct in everything I say.

    I won’t call Brighty one eyed or biased.

    Glos will win the AP and HC.

    Australia find a front row before the AI’s.

    Dan Lydiate will discover linking and passing and will finally be lauded as a complete backrower by all and sundry.

    Sorry, couldn’t help the last one………….!

  4. Oh and Robshaw will reveal himself as a complete backrow player equally capable of playing at 6 or 7 rather than being damned for not being able to play in either properly.

  5. Gavin Henson beats Carl Fearns in a charity boxing match, Carl blames his embarrassing collapse to the canvas on a headache.

  6. 1) Wales & England clean-sweep the autumn, then meet in a 6N Grand Slam decider that tabloids bill as “Crunchio”. After a blistering 40-all draw, the teams embrace, wave each others’ flags and do a combined lap of honour with the shared trophy.

    2) One of the Heineken cup semi-finals is between a Welsh team and a Scottish team.

    3) Josh Lewsey learns the words to “Calon Lân”.

    4) George North is the Aviva Premiership Highest Try Scorer 2013-14.

    5) On one Friday in late February or early March, a quick sweep of the English back pages reveals no mention whatsoever of Johnny Wilkinson. The only reference to 2003 concerns the Iraq war.

  7. Dylan Hartley is not cited through the season is respected by opposing players and lauded by more than 4 non northampton rugby supporters….

  8. The French introduce a salary cap lower than Wales’

    The Heineken cup final gets a bigger tv advance that the champions league final,

    Zebra storm to the top if the pro 12, and Newcastle win the Aviva.

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